and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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