wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
