Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
