Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
