Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
