Welp...herpes.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
