Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
