Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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