Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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