brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
