i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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