And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The air taste purple.
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