I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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