i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
