So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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