just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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