you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
