Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
