whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing