im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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