Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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