Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
