i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
