im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
