My friends, they love my intelligence
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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