i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
