And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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