Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
