So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
