Im at strip club and am horny
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
