Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
