did you get engaged???
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
