I wish I only lived at night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
