Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
