I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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