Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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