well I can't set my house on fire every night
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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