We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
