Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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