i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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