i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
