He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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