tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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