I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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