I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize