I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
