Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
