So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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