I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
