what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
