I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
