I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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