I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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