sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
