I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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